House

darkness.

the gate obediently follow the track and roll backwards,giving way to my baby-blue Nissan entering the house compound. Hand still hurts from the badminton game i attended an hour ago.

Clumsily, i grabbed all my bag on my left, and shoes on my right, while trying to open my house door in darkness. Stupid i know, i can always put down the bag first. But it is faster by doing so, i always tell myself that. I don't believe it, but i still do it.Stupidity of mankind is indefinite, i can so hear Albert Einstein telling me that.

'cluck, cluck'

Darkness.

Placed down my bag, subconsciously i reached the switch and brighten up the dining hall. Picked up the not so new newspaper, i locked the door, and turn off the light again. In darkness, i casually walked to the stairs and head towards my room. Walking up this far too familiar stair, noise is what i thirst for and what i am afraid of at the same time. how ironic.

My room, which technically speaking my actual home, welcome me with darkness. Confined in all the closed window, it's definitely having bad airflow and giving me a very stuffy feeling. If i want to describe my room as a person, then she would be a late 40s old lady that i am so familiar with and yet definitely not a person that i want to grow old with.

Air-con, music, laptop, newspaper,shower. Routinely done upon entering this room. But today, i have this little question in mind. Is this what i am looking for in the past 1 and half years?

i never hide my ambition of getting a decent condo in 2 years time, as i am far more comfortable with the way i live in NZ that what i have been experiencing for the past 18 years before i head off the the neverland. But it seems i have forgotten the 'care' and 'love' that change the definitation of 'house' to 'home'. As much as i care and love my parents a lot, i do leave this house empty often enough to make them know the Astro schedule inside out. Hence, staying somewhere else technically make no different to them.

Being home alone for a week in this far-too-oversize-for-single-man-semi-D,make me reconsider what i have been thriving myself forward. Do you really want the 2 jokers only stay in this house?

for the past 4 months, my table next to my bed always have 2 filled bottle of water sitting there and waiting for me to consume it. Yesterday, i was so shocked to find it empty. How am i going to drink water in the night then? hey wait a second, why this bottle has no water today? yes, it took me 4 months to realise it was my dad who filled up the water every night before i head home and locked up my room door.

i crave of becoming back who i believe i was, but nothing beats seeing the love i have always been embraced with continuously doing so.

live with it, its not always about yourself. cant remember it heard this off where.

No matter how great i look in front of the mirror, step 2 steps backward, and i see nothing.