sometime i hates myself for knowing myself well. lack of discipline until the dying moment, then only gung-ho all the way. I do know this is really bad, but the problem is i always managed to pull it off with just last minute effort. i am thankful for the smart genes, but not once i have heard that attitude decides everything you will be.
now i am officially not attaching myself to any company, hence self-discipline has become super important. I am definitely not doing well enough. the fact that i did not do anything i am suppose to do for the whole day prove it all.
damn...i'm gonna die of hunger real soon....
night
10.30pm.
brain is still partially functioning. Wanted to rest but dont think i am capable of sleeping so early after a 2hour nap.
suppose to attend a meeting this morning. Supposed to do clean up in my room. But yeah, we all know, when u use the word 'suppose to', it did not happen eventually. All this happened due to the crazy Oriental Express. Absolutely no clue what it was, all i know is, i drank 8 shots (wait a second, those are double shots glass, it was 16 shots, crap~) of alcoholsss in 2 minutes. god knows how much brain cells are dead last night.
anyway, i should be grateful,to have a bunch of useless ex-colleague. Don't think everyone is lucky enough to have a farewell party will your former boss and colleagues and went crazy all along. now they are officially my friends only, and we are not going to undergo same problem every night and day.
Not sure how the future is, but i have heard enough story to know that you may cry along with your colleague when he/she is sad now, but once you left the company, you just became another acquaintance in life. As technology advance, people are less willing to keep in contact, i wonder why.
oh did i mention that i got memory gap again and puke all over the place without myself knowing it? :) and i actually have no memory of seeing a late comer, that according to her, i was talking to her in sound mind and scolded her for coming late. Hopefully this is not a sign of bipolar syndrome, crap...
brain is still partially functioning. Wanted to rest but dont think i am capable of sleeping so early after a 2hour nap.
suppose to attend a meeting this morning. Supposed to do clean up in my room. But yeah, we all know, when u use the word 'suppose to', it did not happen eventually. All this happened due to the crazy Oriental Express. Absolutely no clue what it was, all i know is, i drank 8 shots (wait a second, those are double shots glass, it was 16 shots, crap~) of alcoholsss in 2 minutes. god knows how much brain cells are dead last night.
anyway, i should be grateful,to have a bunch of useless ex-colleague. Don't think everyone is lucky enough to have a farewell party will your former boss and colleagues and went crazy all along. now they are officially my friends only, and we are not going to undergo same problem every night and day.
Not sure how the future is, but i have heard enough story to know that you may cry along with your colleague when he/she is sad now, but once you left the company, you just became another acquaintance in life. As technology advance, people are less willing to keep in contact, i wonder why.
oh did i mention that i got memory gap again and puke all over the place without myself knowing it? :) and i actually have no memory of seeing a late comer, that according to her, i was talking to her in sound mind and scolded her for coming late. Hopefully this is not a sign of bipolar syndrome, crap...
moving on...
So finally i have resigned and starting a new lifestyle. The reality hasnt really sit in yet as i actually have quite a full on weekend for the past 1 week. So still not feeling the difference yet. Heck, i am seeing my ex-colleague as frequent as it was, perhaps that is the key reason...
been scribble a lot in mandarin, not sure the reason behind. Just felt like writing in chinese, that's about it. I mean, after all, i am more capable of expressing myself in mandarin as compare to other languages due to the educational background ( will probably take an hour to write a sentence if i try to do it in Malay). Not only once i have encounter incident in which people find it so shocking to learn that i can read chinese (what the heck, i am good at it all right...), because i do not have the 'chinese school look'.
whatever it is, i have no clue, but strongly doubt that the statement is a compliment as a whole. Sometimes do find it rather scary that because of language barrier, we the malaysian chinese, splitting ourselves from the merely 21% population into another half. Given the current situation, if i were a politician, for sure i will play the inter AND intra racial card and manipulate the situation around as well. it is so darn easy to stir tension as respect and understanding was not much given to one another. Just throw a question on which language should science be taught in n u will start seeing people fighting. Both side have their point, but they did not see the common problem i.e. malaysian is jack of all language, but master of non, so why not look at the most important issue, which is the reason behind the incapability of grasping the languages? is the teacher up to the standard? as far as my experience can tell, HELL NO~ just ask around what do the BM teacher teach during the class, and the whoever prof that protest on this issue will understand that there has been a problem in the teaching method, n whether he win this war or not, malaysian's BM is weakening and will continue be seen as not cool to use it.
Cool factor is rather important for the y generation, well, take my friend's sister for example. She hates POA classes and hence chinese language. But few years back i saw her reading learning material on chinese language, i got so shocked and later only to find out she is learning that so she could watch drama acted by F4 and sing Jay Chow's song in RedBox.
i have gone through the pain of screwing up result as a result of inability to answer exam question in English. It took me 5 years to remember all the stuff in Malay language n A level expect me to convert everything into english in a year time. Not everyone is capable of doing that, so please, if want the student to be good at the language, then teach them at the right way at language classes.
nevertheless, i do think that implementation of this policy kinda too hasty, reason being our teacher's quality is still far from there yet. If only our government is patient enough to take 2-3 years to produce some high quality teachers, if only....
n why am i writing all this nonsense? crap....
been scribble a lot in mandarin, not sure the reason behind. Just felt like writing in chinese, that's about it. I mean, after all, i am more capable of expressing myself in mandarin as compare to other languages due to the educational background ( will probably take an hour to write a sentence if i try to do it in Malay). Not only once i have encounter incident in which people find it so shocking to learn that i can read chinese (what the heck, i am good at it all right...), because i do not have the 'chinese school look'.
whatever it is, i have no clue, but strongly doubt that the statement is a compliment as a whole. Sometimes do find it rather scary that because of language barrier, we the malaysian chinese, splitting ourselves from the merely 21% population into another half. Given the current situation, if i were a politician, for sure i will play the inter AND intra racial card and manipulate the situation around as well. it is so darn easy to stir tension as respect and understanding was not much given to one another. Just throw a question on which language should science be taught in n u will start seeing people fighting. Both side have their point, but they did not see the common problem i.e. malaysian is jack of all language, but master of non, so why not look at the most important issue, which is the reason behind the incapability of grasping the languages? is the teacher up to the standard? as far as my experience can tell, HELL NO~ just ask around what do the BM teacher teach during the class, and the whoever prof that protest on this issue will understand that there has been a problem in the teaching method, n whether he win this war or not, malaysian's BM is weakening and will continue be seen as not cool to use it.
Cool factor is rather important for the y generation, well, take my friend's sister for example. She hates POA classes and hence chinese language. But few years back i saw her reading learning material on chinese language, i got so shocked and later only to find out she is learning that so she could watch drama acted by F4 and sing Jay Chow's song in RedBox.
i have gone through the pain of screwing up result as a result of inability to answer exam question in English. It took me 5 years to remember all the stuff in Malay language n A level expect me to convert everything into english in a year time. Not everyone is capable of doing that, so please, if want the student to be good at the language, then teach them at the right way at language classes.
nevertheless, i do think that implementation of this policy kinda too hasty, reason being our teacher's quality is still far from there yet. If only our government is patient enough to take 2-3 years to produce some high quality teachers, if only....
n why am i writing all this nonsense? crap....
wrong answer....
did i give the wrong answer? i am still worrying over it.
when a paragraph of words is capable of disabling you from doing anything right for the next 12 hours, you should know it by hard....
yes, i am screwed....
when a paragraph of words is capable of disabling you from doing anything right for the next 12 hours, you should know it by hard....
yes, i am screwed....
slow...
ever since i started my course a month ago, time seems to have stretched longer than how it use to be. usually my weekends are rather unproductive, suddenly it became the most informative and fruitful time of the week. So it was like a additional 48 extra hours given to me from top above, i suddenly felt a little bit lost during the weekday.
how it tat possible that it is still May? i've been asking myself this question for many times as i was driving from point A to Point B during the day. My colleague would probably know that whenever i start thinking about certain things as i was driving, for sure i will head on to somewhere else besides my actual destination. N it happened rather rampant in the past weeks.
i am so anxious, but feeling helpless at the same time. Jun...please come by soon, and throw down a judgment on me if i have done it right...
how it tat possible that it is still May? i've been asking myself this question for many times as i was driving from point A to Point B during the day. My colleague would probably know that whenever i start thinking about certain things as i was driving, for sure i will head on to somewhere else besides my actual destination. N it happened rather rampant in the past weeks.
i am so anxious, but feeling helpless at the same time. Jun...please come by soon, and throw down a judgment on me if i have done it right...
10.10pm
wrote a long post on all the excuses that i can think of to explain myself being single. It sounds so convincing that i almost believe that it is the societies' fault that i am single.So, i deleted it.
I do wish to have a partner. But i did nothing to make it happen.
coward.
p/s: spent an hour on this nonsense just to avoid reading the thick textbook. I am a student once again. Behavior also act like one, my goodness....
I do wish to have a partner. But i did nothing to make it happen.
coward.
p/s: spent an hour on this nonsense just to avoid reading the thick textbook. I am a student once again. Behavior also act like one, my goodness....
uncertainty
I hates uncertainty. Hate it because its out of my control. Hate it because I can only predict the outcome.
Father's bad memory is worsen by day. And it has finally reach a stage that worries me. He had a minor surgery on the eye,and it went smoothly. he was allowed to go home after the surgery and only need to do a routine checkup on the next day. But in the morning, he can't recall when was it that he had the eye surgery, twice, in merely an hour time.
Family, career, friendship, all seems to be in uncertainty. Beginning to question myself if it is a consequences of taking things for granted. Is an apology too late for now? Or worse still, is there anything I can do to make it a different?
A friend told me that I need a gf to wash away the blue, and she could not understand why I am having problem finding one. I understand her perspective, but I am well aware of the rational behind the hoo-ha. October is the date I told myself that things will be different, but I am fearing the arrival now. I have not done enough to make a different yet.
Father's bad memory is worsen by day. And it has finally reach a stage that worries me. He had a minor surgery on the eye,and it went smoothly. he was allowed to go home after the surgery and only need to do a routine checkup on the next day. But in the morning, he can't recall when was it that he had the eye surgery, twice, in merely an hour time.
Family, career, friendship, all seems to be in uncertainty. Beginning to question myself if it is a consequences of taking things for granted. Is an apology too late for now? Or worse still, is there anything I can do to make it a different?
A friend told me that I need a gf to wash away the blue, and she could not understand why I am having problem finding one. I understand her perspective, but I am well aware of the rational behind the hoo-ha. October is the date I told myself that things will be different, but I am fearing the arrival now. I have not done enough to make a different yet.
Breeze
wrote this a couple of weeks ago using my phone. For once i actually appreciating the window mobile device. During my trip there's so much travel time that i used it up to write down my travel diary. i guess, this is what i need for backpacking in the upcoming future, if i am still capable of doing so....
On the next day of my return from the trip, my parent left us and flies off to another holiday destination. Feeling rather weird as I've living with bunch of monkey for 2 weeks and a sudden surge of quietness make me feel little bit of uncomfortable.
Last week, I was sitting on the tour bus in awe as we passing by the million dollars villa that build on the spectacular hillside of san Francisco, cycles through the posh marina street that overview the golden gate bridge, and standing on san Diego beach looking at the Orion belt and Sirius star shining on top of me.
48hours after arrival, I was cycling at a gated community, passing by all the posh bungalows while the same Orion belt and Sirius shining brightly on top of me.
It feels kind of irony as I was cycling at the night. The air is slightly warmer, the design of the bungalow is slightly more contemporary, and the orientations of the stars are slightly tilted from few nights ago.
Fate, are you trying to tell me something? You do know my emotions have gone through roller coaster since I visited San Francisco right? And was it you that make me miss my home of youth so much?
I hate to admit it, but the desire of going back is engulfing me badly. Where do I belong to? Climbing up the stairs, or just being the average Joe? I'm no longer capable of making selfish decision, but sacrificing own desire seems to be tough to bear with at this point of view.
Ah...screw it, let's just enjoy the warm breeze.
On the next day of my return from the trip, my parent left us and flies off to another holiday destination. Feeling rather weird as I've living with bunch of monkey for 2 weeks and a sudden surge of quietness make me feel little bit of uncomfortable.
Last week, I was sitting on the tour bus in awe as we passing by the million dollars villa that build on the spectacular hillside of san Francisco, cycles through the posh marina street that overview the golden gate bridge, and standing on san Diego beach looking at the Orion belt and Sirius star shining on top of me.
48hours after arrival, I was cycling at a gated community, passing by all the posh bungalows while the same Orion belt and Sirius shining brightly on top of me.
It feels kind of irony as I was cycling at the night. The air is slightly warmer, the design of the bungalow is slightly more contemporary, and the orientations of the stars are slightly tilted from few nights ago.
Fate, are you trying to tell me something? You do know my emotions have gone through roller coaster since I visited San Francisco right? And was it you that make me miss my home of youth so much?
I hate to admit it, but the desire of going back is engulfing me badly. Where do I belong to? Climbing up the stairs, or just being the average Joe? I'm no longer capable of making selfish decision, but sacrificing own desire seems to be tough to bear with at this point of view.
Ah...screw it, let's just enjoy the warm breeze.
Fly
leaving home for 2 weeks in few hours time. This round, i am even more unprepared than the previous few holidays. I must admit i have always enjoyed the adrenaline rush of completing tasks on the last minute basis, hence again i was busy for the past 2 days until an hour ago only i started to look for bags and things to pack.
House has long filled up with traveling toiletry and bags, so its not exactly such a hard task to pack things. Just exactly 13 years ago, nobody from our family ever been to anywhere besides Singapore and Hattyai. So traveling it was like such a big thing and usually it will take up days to prepare for a trip. As year go by, we move along with all the fellow countrymen, each of us starting to explore the world. I tried to pinned up the countries that all of us has traveled to in a online map the other day, and its kinda shocking even to myself.
my sisters and i each have stayed in oversea for at least 2 years for study or works, and interesting all choose to come back. each of us have some reason behind, but one thing is that, we have no regret to do so. However, that still did not stop us from liking other countries. More cities are going to be stepped on by us.
what worry me now is, when am i going to complete my travel blog? god~ please give me the dedication towards the blog~~~~i am beginning to forgot about my interesting travel story.....
House has long filled up with traveling toiletry and bags, so its not exactly such a hard task to pack things. Just exactly 13 years ago, nobody from our family ever been to anywhere besides Singapore and Hattyai. So traveling it was like such a big thing and usually it will take up days to prepare for a trip. As year go by, we move along with all the fellow countrymen, each of us starting to explore the world. I tried to pinned up the countries that all of us has traveled to in a online map the other day, and its kinda shocking even to myself.
my sisters and i each have stayed in oversea for at least 2 years for study or works, and interesting all choose to come back. each of us have some reason behind, but one thing is that, we have no regret to do so. However, that still did not stop us from liking other countries. More cities are going to be stepped on by us.
what worry me now is, when am i going to complete my travel blog? god~ please give me the dedication towards the blog~~~~i am beginning to forgot about my interesting travel story.....
Video
saw the news through facebook. Wasnt surprised with the incident, as this town has long known for craziness.
i tried to save up the video, but it seems that i am lacking some program to do so. Let's just hope the webpage will keep this for long. Here is the link
some former student feel disgusted, but for me, its just plain nostalgic. Talk about being crazy and yet receive forgiveness at the end of the day.
This is youth. This is, Dunedin.
i tried to save up the video, but it seems that i am lacking some program to do so. Let's just hope the webpage will keep this for long. Here is the link
some former student feel disgusted, but for me, its just plain nostalgic. Talk about being crazy and yet receive forgiveness at the end of the day.
This is youth. This is, Dunedin.
PDA
First time using pda mobile. Although the internet speed is pathetically slow, but at least it help me to kill sometime.
Just as i have many plans to do today, i got stuck in this tiny place that i have absolute no intention to walk into. Things just happened at the least expected way lately. Not to have a plan is an ideal plan for current stage.
Going off for a long trip real soon. Can feel the excitement from people surround me. Personally, i'm still feeling alright. Sometime i'm feeling grateful and doubtful at the same time for all the things happening around me.i dont feel deserving from time to time, but i'm still receiving all the rewards. As far as my experience count, opportunity given seems to be more important than the effort you put in.
I've done a few great decision for myself to stand at where i am now.soon, i need to decide on my next path.let's pray that once again i make the choices.
For things that i've missed out, i'm still feeling the pain in my heart. I'm not sure if i can claim you back, but i'm trying not to look backward,and find something as good as what you are.no doubt i cant wash away the feeling i lay upon you, but i'm learning to keep it in my heart, trying not to let it spill out and distract my routine life.
People always cherish things that they cant obtained, you just cant deny that.
thought of the day:
perhaps love is like the energy, you can't create or destroy it, but you can convert it into other form. it could be motivation,sadness or even happiness. We cant control the birth/death of love, but we can choose on how and what to convert it into.
Just as i have many plans to do today, i got stuck in this tiny place that i have absolute no intention to walk into. Things just happened at the least expected way lately. Not to have a plan is an ideal plan for current stage.
Going off for a long trip real soon. Can feel the excitement from people surround me. Personally, i'm still feeling alright. Sometime i'm feeling grateful and doubtful at the same time for all the things happening around me.i dont feel deserving from time to time, but i'm still receiving all the rewards. As far as my experience count, opportunity given seems to be more important than the effort you put in.
I've done a few great decision for myself to stand at where i am now.soon, i need to decide on my next path.let's pray that once again i make the choices.
For things that i've missed out, i'm still feeling the pain in my heart. I'm not sure if i can claim you back, but i'm trying not to look backward,and find something as good as what you are.no doubt i cant wash away the feeling i lay upon you, but i'm learning to keep it in my heart, trying not to let it spill out and distract my routine life.
People always cherish things that they cant obtained, you just cant deny that.
thought of the day:
perhaps love is like the energy, you can't create or destroy it, but you can convert it into other form. it could be motivation,sadness or even happiness. We cant control the birth/death of love, but we can choose on how and what to convert it into.
the differences
Few weeks back heard this off someone. I cant remember who was the wise man and why did he or she said it, but somehow i remember that particular few sentences of words. Selective listening, men can do the best :)
the situation was unknown, but i heard this "people always said about how they were much happier when they are studying. I reckon the reason behind such thinking is because when we were students, we have a very straight forward goal, passed or Aced the exam. Hence, we have something to achieve or to measure our success or failure. After student life, our goal is way more complicated and abstract, most people dont even know if they failed or succeeded after striving for 20 or 30 years."
Hm...kinda make sense. I know i can get an A as long i start study a week earlier. But now, i can never be sure that i can achieve something as long i spend more time on it.
Good thing is, i know the source of all this uneasy feeling very well. i'm seeking new excitement in work, but the timing is crucial. Dear Mr. cerebrum, Please make it easy for yourself when the time comes.
奇怪的是，我那么的渴望新鲜感，为何我却愚笨的等待妳来溶化那雪藏十年的心。
the situation was unknown, but i heard this "people always said about how they were much happier when they are studying. I reckon the reason behind such thinking is because when we were students, we have a very straight forward goal, passed or Aced the exam. Hence, we have something to achieve or to measure our success or failure. After student life, our goal is way more complicated and abstract, most people dont even know if they failed or succeeded after striving for 20 or 30 years."
Hm...kinda make sense. I know i can get an A as long i start study a week earlier. But now, i can never be sure that i can achieve something as long i spend more time on it.
Good thing is, i know the source of all this uneasy feeling very well. i'm seeking new excitement in work, but the timing is crucial. Dear Mr. cerebrum, Please make it easy for yourself when the time comes.
奇怪的是，我那么的渴望新鲜感，为何我却愚笨的等待妳来溶化那雪藏十年的心。
Shifted
Same house, but different room.
Actually, i'm kind of use to shifting, be it room or house. Interesting thing is, regardless how much i have thrown each time, there is still plenty more of rubbish that i need to discard away during the next shifting. In theory i am an environmentalist, and i despise anyone that litter. however, in reality, i am just a net rubbish producer like anyone else.
Suddenly this picture came into my mind:
The unfortunate group from Philippine that stayed and work at garbage side.
guiltiness filling up my mind fast...and gone.
wonder if i would have sleeping problem tonight.
Actually, i'm kind of use to shifting, be it room or house. Interesting thing is, regardless how much i have thrown each time, there is still plenty more of rubbish that i need to discard away during the next shifting. In theory i am an environmentalist, and i despise anyone that litter. however, in reality, i am just a net rubbish producer like anyone else.
Suddenly this picture came into my mind:
The unfortunate group from Philippine that stayed and work at garbage side.guiltiness filling up my mind fast...and gone.
wonder if i would have sleeping problem tonight.
complicating the simplicity
Just realized how annoying it is to read a blog that has absolute no relation to the title. Yes, i do it all the time too.
Not knowing who you are or only got to know who you are through others; i wonder which is more pathetic.
Not knowing who you are or only got to know who you are through others; i wonder which is more pathetic.
A cut above
After saying no to a number of invitation for countdown celebration, i kind of regret it. Its not because i want to party, but its more of the fact that i want to runaway from the surprise party that my family is hosting...
At the end of the day, i choose to stay in room and bear with the noise, because i think it is still far more bearable compared to the traffic jam. I had a feel of how bad it can be last year, so i've learn that i should either planned early, be there early, or just stay put at home.
The thing is, as the clock is ticking towards 2009, i had a stomach upset. Without thinking much,i went straight to the loo. Just as i want to blast up Japan, i heard fireworks starting to blast the sky.
Happy new year. I told myself, sitting on the toilet bowl, listening to the echoes of fireworks from far.
At the end of the day, i choose to stay in room and bear with the noise, because i think it is still far more bearable compared to the traffic jam. I had a feel of how bad it can be last year, so i've learn that i should either planned early, be there early, or just stay put at home.
The thing is, as the clock is ticking towards 2009, i had a stomach upset. Without thinking much,i went straight to the loo. Just as i want to blast up Japan, i heard fireworks starting to blast the sky.
Happy new year. I told myself, sitting on the toilet bowl, listening to the echoes of fireworks from far.
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